sheriff swanson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sheriffexe) wrote2017-02-27 02:27 pm
sheriffexe) wrote2017-02-27 02:27 pmEntry tags:
[ WEEK SEVEN – KILL LOG (NOCTIS) ]
[ No one told me where to set the kill log so you know what, have at it, ya jerks!!! ]
sheriffexe) wrote2017-02-27 02:27 pm
no subject
and it's not a kill night, so he has even less reason to feel it's questionable.
he still keeps sara's sword on his person as a safety, in case someone comes at him, or if the crazy gun coyotes show up for him. but he only rests his hands comfortably on the hilt even then. and when barnham approaches so solemnly...
well, all he can really do is wonder what it is he wants to discuss. maybe he's gotten some information, or maybe he just wants to talk—they have their agreements, after all. but as the person he trusts most in this city, as his shield so long as they both remain alive... why wouldn't he agree to chat?]
Sure, what's up? [he's casual as ever, but there's a note to his voice that addresses the concern for barnham's tone, which is different than usual, but not terribly suspicious.
(little does he realize that he should be suspicious. that he should be on guard to try and fight for his life, that the person he trusts most is about to do everything noctis really believed in him not to do. he's made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he has yet to see that this may have been the biggest yet.)]
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Outside, I believe, would be better. I would rather not risk being overheard.
[There are a couple of layers to that, though of course he knows Noct doesn't hear them all. He'd rather not have anyone stumble over Noct's...body. Not in the hotel. It isn't as though he'll do anything to said body, but... it seems wrong to leave him there to be tripped over.
Barnham grimaces.
He hates thinking about these things. He hates all of this, and it's wearing on him--it's been wearing on him for weeks, and now that they're approaching the end, it's getting harder and harder for him to not be entirely overwhelmed by it. By the horrible things he's done, regardless of his reasons. By the blood on his hands.
(Not yet. Not yet. Just a little bit more, just a bit longer, for the sake of everyone--)
Quietly:]
Walk with me?
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it's pretty clear to him that something isn't quite right. try as barnham might to mask just how heavily this situation weighs, noct has experienced this all before. the lies that come before sacrifices, the weighted words that have the stench of impending death behind them, the knowing that something is just not right with each word that passes through his lips and how he tries to act as if it's otherwise.
he might not know.
he might not know the the death that's coming is his own, but the dread that he feels building in the pit of his stomach doesn't bode well. the signs are too familiar, as he remembers the way his father exited the citadel the day he left insomnia. how he asked the others to look out for him but let him find his own path. how regis had told him to walk tall, and every word he spoke dripped with a sentiment of "last words" that noctis didn't recognize until it was far too late to do a thing about it.
...it feels like that. only this time, he's not blind to it. something bad is going to happen, and it might not be tonight, or maybe it already happened. he can't say that with any certainty.
but he knows.
whatever is coming, whatever barnham wants to say—he should be steeling himself for it.]
Ye... yeah. [truly, it's the first time he's hesitating with barnham out of the barest edge of concern and distrust. and maybe that's to be expected, when he shared a grave secret about his role in this game.
(maybe he's about to get what's coming to him? maybe barnham is targeting him to kill the bounties, as they'd suspected ash might have done. and if that's the case, he's going to have to apologize silently to milla and damian for not being able to warn them.)]
...Let's go, then.
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(Please... let him not suffer too much longer.)
The walk is silent for a bit, as Barnham rallies himself and organizes his thoughts. This...secret that he's been keeping for so long isn't so easily shared. There's a reason he hasn't told before now, and it's not through lack of desire. If he could have shared it with Noct, with Milla, he would have--
He couldn't.
Now, he still feels guilt about doing so. About putting this on Noct's shoulders, but he needs Noct to understand...
They walk through the town, and it's a ghost town, especially this late. With only 8 of them left, it's to be expected. Everything feels empty, but there are echoes of others, from before they died. They pass the saloon, and Barnham thinks of Sara and her boisterous laughter; they pass the bonfire and he thinks of how fiercely full of hope everyone had been before.
It's gone now--all of that hope is gone.
He sighs, and begins to speak, voice quiet.]
There is...an important piece to this game--this situation--that you do not know. It is one that you deserve...no, that you need to know.
Though I am sorry...that I must be the one to place this burden on your shoulders.
[He's so...so sorry. If he had his way... Noct would have been able to live happily--but that's not how this game works.]
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any optimism he may have had left is fading fast. this is atypical, and he knows it. and when barnham speaks, the words hang just as heavily, crushing overhead.]
...Just spit it out. [whatever it is, he wants to hear it.
even if it fills him with dread. even if there is regret that comes with sharing his knowledge. even if there is a faint edge of betrayal that comes with the fact that barnham is doing nothing to reassure him.
barnham is supposed to be his shield, but noctis already knows that barnham is not gladio. that barnham wouldn't risk his own life or anyone else's to save noctis. seven weeks doesn't equate to a lifetime. so the fact that barnham seems to know that this news is bad, that he likely knows that noct is trying to figure out what's going to happen, and even that he may be considering that his own death is coming...
it's betrayal, but yet betrayal he doesn't yet feel anger. there is regret, there is dread, and there's certainly sadness, but...
he doesn't want to drag this out. whatever it is, he wants to know what barnham is alluding to. to get over with...
well, whatever is going to happen.]
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[The atmosphere is horrible. It's thick and it's heavy, and he knows that Noct is uneasy. But he knows... that nothing he says is going to reassure him. He wishes he could go back to that time when he had hope, when he didn't know there was no hope to be found--not like this, anyway.
This isn't the end.
But it's not a happy interlude, either.
Barnham sighs, and closes his eyes.]
... There is no way to end this with any single person surviving.
[It's... out in the open now. There's that fact, that irrevocable fact that Barnham hates more than anything, that fact that has made his life a living hell for the past what feels like forever.
That none of them are getting out of this alive.]
In order to bring everyone back--in order to end this, and allow everyone to return home--everyone here must die.
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he had a feeling, after all.
when the bounties and associated tried to piece together the clues from the letters, it was difficult to parse. but barnham saying it does, in fact, piece it together. with hannibal's death, noct had already suspected it—and percy's behavior over the last few days only gave it away more.
there's no other option.]
...So you're here to kill me, right?
[he says it darkly, voice quivering.
he doesn't really want to die. of course he doesn't. he wants to live, even if he knows that a death like this is supposed to be a salvation, a way to get back to being "alive" again. but he hates it. he hates it in so many ways, and it's not just because he wants to live.]
Idiot...
[noct murmurs that as his hand clenches tightly around diablo's hilt. but he doesn't draw the sword, and when he looks at barnham and yells—he's on the edge of tears.]
Why the hell wouldn't you tell me this sooner!? Why the hell are you trying to shoulder this all by yourself!? Why.... why didn't you just trust me with it?
I—I would have—
[he hates it, but:] I don't care if you're supposed to be my shield, that doesn't mean keeping the truth from me, and bloodying your own hands to do it!
That's not—that's not what I want at all! [even if it's selfish. even if noct doesn't want to betray these people who've become so important to them. if it meant saving them and not making barnham lose himself by bloodying his hands alone...
that would be enough for him to be willing to shame his title as king. if the way to protect them truly is to end their lives (and noctis does believe barnham's words, because he's been making peace with the notion of dying for days now and seeking out all the things he wanted to do before leaving these people behind), then he'd do it.
of course he would.
so his head dips after yelling, and noct is quick to choke back a sob. it hurts, and not because he knows he's going to die, but because barnham went about protecting him in the most painful way possible.]
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He hates it.
He hates every last moment of it.
But... then Noct continues, and Barnham lifts his head in startled surprise when he starts yelling. It...hurts. It all hurts, because... it's all true and he knows it. Noct would have listened. Noct would have listened and done whatever he could to help and Barnham can't tolerate that at all.
He can't tolerate that possibility, because Noct, above all else--]
I would not have you kill another person.
[Barnham doesn't yell. His voice is quiet, but nonetheless certain and fierce, because even in the midst of everything he doesn't know and understand, he knows this. Even when the world is all wrong and Barnham is left committing crimes that he would throw himself into the fire for... he knows.
His tone is soft, voice a little broken as well, even as he slowly gives words to what he's felt this whole time, shouldering this on his own.]
Had I had any other option... I would, above all else, not had you despair. [this inevitability of death... it isn't fair. Noct doesn't deserve this. He's important, he has so much to do, so much to live for, and so much promise. It was that, and more, that Barnham wanted to protect.]
I agreed...to be your shield. And for that... I agreed to protect you. I vowed to do so. [He breathes out shakily, but he meets Noct's eyes as he does so, because he's a knight--or he was--and he believes, more than anything, in his duty.]
I...have broken that vow. [He's a failure of a knight.] Here and now, I shall once again commit treason. [Once again, to do what he believes is right.
Even if he hates himself for it. Even if everyone hates him for it. For what needs to be done--]
I do not expect you to forgive me. But I... will not have you commit a crime against what you believe in. [There's a faintly melancholic look on his face, even if he doesn't quite seem to notice it.] ...Not when I, too, believe in your beliefs.
[He believes in Noctis--as a person, as a friend, and as a king.
And so this is his choice.]
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[noct will say quietly, brokenly after a long silence. because in the end, after hearing barnham's reasons... he can't deny them entirely.
he can't deny barnham's intentions, and he knows this is a heavy, heavy burden to carry. one that noct himself would have preferred to keep on his shoulders alone, and yet it's barnham doing it.]
It's messed up. [he laughs, hollow and humorless, even as the tears sting at his eyes. he's cried in front of barnham before, but it's different now. there's that knowledge that the end is near, and though his hand remains on sara's sword, it's clear he has no plans on fighting back.] The best way to save me is for me to die.
[but in the end, he can't hate barnham for it.
and he doesn't trust barnham any less.
he hurts because he never wanted this for barnham. he hurts because he couldn't warn the others of the answer they'd been looking for. he hurts because there are faces he still wants to see once last time so desperately, to tell them how much they mean to him with the actual certainty that death would be following. people like percy. like jason and damian. like milla.
it hurts him to think about these people that are so strong, that have so much promise—and noct knows he won't be able to save any of them. but their images are all in his mind.
and not just them. his friends, the people back home. lucis. even if there's salvation, he doesn't know what lies ahead. he doesn't know if there is certainty, and he's not sure if his own glimmers of hope can carry that; a world that needs him...]
Can...
[he sounds so tired, so broken, so resigned.]
Can I say a few things, before you do this?
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Barnham still feels like he's a failure of a knight. A failure of a knight in so many ways now--in Labyrinthia, and here as well. He'd always wanted to do better. He's always wanted to save everyone.
(It's a twisted sort of irony that this, in the end, is the task that he ended up with.
This is the only way to save them.)
Tiredly, sadly, Barnham meets Noct's gaze, and slowly, he nods. It isn't as though he was ever going to deny him anything. Not at this point. Not when they both know the inevitable end to all of this. Only one of them is going to walk away from this meeting.
(And it's not the one who deserves to the most.
Barnham knows that much.)]
Of course. [He made Noct sound this broken.
He made Noct sound this resigned. This tone...will haunt him, he feels, for the remainder of his short life here.]
Whatever you would say... I shall hear it.
1/2
[he didn't think barnham would deny it, but... he still needed to ask anyway. it's just polite, and noct had always known the right time to be polite.
but he remains quiet, walking until they find a place to sit.
he's tired. he just wants to sit, though once he does, he unsheathes sara's sword, slamming the tip of the blade into the ground. he's still gripping the hilt tightly. she entrusted diablo to him, and he will protect it to the very end; he will not bloody it with his own hands.
and then noctis will begin to speak, quiet, muted. it's heavy, resigned but yet still has warmth and sincerity to it.]
Gladio, Ignis, Prompto... Luna... Dad. [these aren't things being said to barnham. this is for his loved ones back home.] I love you guys.
I'm sorry... that I didn't make it back. That I let you guys down. I couldn't live up to being a good king like you, Dad. I couldn't protect even forty people, let alone our country, or even the world. But still... I hope you'll forgive me. Every moment we had, I cherished them all, even at the worst times.
[he laughs humorlessly again, hollow and weak. there's really not stopping the tears that roll down his cheek, a steady stream as he falls quiet again.]
This... is harder than I thought it would be. [he free hand rests on his knee, the tips of his fingers dig into the fabric of his pants.] The hell else can I even say to you?
[he's not done yet.] Everyone here... I love you guys too. Percy, Jason... even you, Ash.
[yep.] Milla... thanks for listening. Thanks... for letting me tell you how I felt. I'm sorry.
And Umbra... please look out for everybody. Help them to the end, even if they're the reason I'm not here. Make it back somehow for me. Make sure they get my letters.
[and then noct falls completely silent. it's just a couple of minutes, where he lets himself cry, because he doesn't want to die, even though he completely accepts it. he's resigned to it, and he knows that even if he wanted to escape it, hal would just make sure he got killed off anyway.
it's long and suffering, his knuckles turning white from how tightly he grips at the hilt of sara's sword. he sniffles, he chokes back the louder sobs... and eventually, he looks up at barnham with quiet resolve.]
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tears may be in his eyes, but he doesn't waver in his belief.]
I trust you and your choices. I've made my peace with this—I knew the chances I would survive were slim. But I want you to know... I'm glad it's you. If there is anyone in this town I want to take my life... I want it to be you.
And I know that's selfish, to put that burden on you after yelling at you for taking them on to begin with. But this is... something I couldn't leave to Percy, or Milla.
[and he doesn't want it to be ash, or hal, or even other friends like jason. they don't need this kind of trauma, but barnham can rely on his duty as a knight. and he knows that is probably the sole thing keeping them going.]
No matter how much you've bloodied your hands, don't despair. You'll bring us all salvation.
[what follows is a specfic thing, something he avoided saying because he always knew there would be a specific moment to use this form of address.]
I'll watch over from that side. So please, to the very end...
Walk tall, Zach.
[for his sake. for everyone's. please walk tall and carry this through without regrets. for a brief moment, his hand moves away from sara's sword, long enough to put his fist over his heart in a salute worthy of his glaive.
but then he returns it there, and quietly, he states.]
...I'm ready now.
no subject
No.
No, it can't go wrong.
It absolutely, positively can't go wrong. He won't allow it. Down to his very last breath, he'll fight to make sure that this isn't the end. Not for Noct. Not for Sara, not for everyone who was so brave and fought so hard, all to die in despair in the end. Regardless of his own fate... that is all he wants.
They must live. They are dead and dying now, but they must live.
So silently, respectfully, he remains standing as he listens to Noct speak. His arms are crossed behind his back, his posture straight as he listens. He's a silent witness--because there's nothing more he can do. This... is all he can do for Noct, and this is not enough. This is...far from not enough, this is the worst possible thing. And yet...
This is what he must do.
He straightens further when Noct turns his attention back to Barnham properly, though--and despite himself, that's when... he finds it truly difficult to hold onto his composure. He'd thought there was nothing left to him now; he'd thought, after so much death and doing so much wrong, after bloodying his hands and doing the unspeakable, that he had nothing left to feel. He was...so wrong though.
This...was the king Barnham was trying to protect. This was the king that he saw in Noct, and the person that he so admired. This... was what he did not want to see break, no matter what. This was worth protecting, and strangely, he feels tears gathering in the corners of his eyes as well.
He wanted it to be him, huh? If it had to be anyone... Noct is putting this duty in Barnham's hands as well, and he accepts that. It's a heavy burden, of course--but he's almost through. He's almost there...and when he gets to the point where he no longer has to walk forward... then he can fall.
But until then, he'll stand tall, and as Noct speaks, he lifts his hand to press to his chest in the proper salute of a Knight of Labyrinthia. It's different, a little, from Noct's salute--but the intention, and the meaning, is the same.
Salvation...he can only hope so. He doesn't know if he can really meet Noct's expectations, and not despair.
But. He can walk tall.
If that is Noct's last request of him...]
... I shall see it done. I shall see...all of it done. [He can feel the tears spill over too, but it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter at all, because he knows they understand each other.
Slowly, Barnham kneels in front of Noct, putting himself at the same level, meeting his eyes quietly, salute still in place.]
Rest easily, Noct. I will see all of this done.
[No matter what it takes... he'll see it through to the end. And he will walk tall the entire way through, because that...is what Noct expects from him, and he will see it done. But first...comes what they both know must come.
First, Barnham must bloody his own hands, and remove Noct from this horrible game.]
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he knows that if they wait too long, barnham might just hesitate. and that's why he pushes back his own tears for these last moments.]
Take care of her sword.
[sara's, which he is once more gripping tightly, to be the last tangible thing he feels in his hands in his life.
there's no more time to waste, and the idea of remaining alive any longer, waiting for death as it hangs over him—it's more than he can take. knowing he has to die at the hands of a treasured friend, it still pains him.
but noctis accepts it.
he accepts this sacrifice, it if means that later, everyone can be saved.]
I... better see you on that side. [on the train. when that train leaves the station, barnham better be there, he better not collapse and give up on his own.
but with that said, he closes his eyes and nods his head.]
Don't hesitate. Just... end this fast. For your sake.
[because he knows this is difficult.
...funny, though, how it took the very last moments of his life to finally be able to fill the noble shoes of his father and truly be willing to do what it takes for the greater good. he's laying down his life now, the rest is in barnham's hands.]
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He can't take care of Sara's sword, he wants to say. Sara left her sword to Noct. It should remain with him.
It can't. By Barnham's own decision, by Barnham's own hand, it can't. So all he can do is nod silently, accepting. He'll hold on to Sara's sword. To Sei's sword. To all of these little broken pieces of what they used to be, before this game destroyed them one by one.
He's not going to give up.
But there's wisdom in what Noct says, and he understands it. End this fast... for his own sake. Noct closes his eyes, and Barnham drags in a slow, ragged breath, and pulls out the knife the Sheriff had given him for just this purpose. Fast. Steady. And quick. Barnham had never thought that he'd use his training as a knight to do something like this, to kill the people he loves and cares about--
But he's done it before now. And he can do it again. Noct's eyes are closed; it's all too easy from this position to gently rest a hand on his shoulder, a steadying grasp--
And a steady grasp that keeps Noct's body in place as he neatly and quickly slides the knife right through Noct's chest and through his heart.
The next blow comes even faster, Barnham rapidly removing the knife to quickly cut Noct's throat, to keep him from suffering any longer, to kill him as quickly as possible. With the hand on his shoulder, he doesn't let Noct's body fall for a long moment, staring at him.
And then, slowly, he takes Sara's sword into bloody hands and tucks the knife away, stands and lets Noct's body fall. Grimly, tears still sliding down his cheeks, he salutes to him again, leaving a bloody mark of his fist on his clothing. It doesn't matter. He'll have to change anyway.
Nothing really matters anymore anyway.
(Walk tall, Noct said. Barnham wonders if Noct knew just how difficult a request that truly was.)
He swallows, and then resolutely he turns away from Noct's body, resting peacefully on the ground, and strides away.
He'd promised. He won't falter. He won't stop.
He's almost there--and for everyone's sakes, he won't stop until he's done what must be done. It doesn't really matter, after all, that it feels like his heart is breaking a little bit more every single time. Something as trivial as that doesn't matter here at all.
There's work to be done yet--and so he goes.]
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he doesn't really want to die. he's scared. he's twenty years old, and he's supposed to be a king, but all he can do to help anyone at all is let himself be murdered.
it's not in cold blood, though.
because noctis knows that barnham is a true friend, that he's a good shield, even if there was a moment on this night where he had to doubt that before hearing an explanation. the only part of him that remains tense is the grip on sara's sword.
he doesn't open his eyes. he doesn't look at barnham. noct won't give him a reason to hesitate. instead, he holds his breath quietly, which is let out in a pained gasp as the the blade pierces his chest. but there isn't a lot of time to react, the pain, the blood... it's all too much. his hand finally released from the sword as the strength leaves him—
but at least barnham keeps his suffering short, since by the time his throat is slit, there's nothing left for him to give, anyway.
after all, noctis is dead. and as his body hits the floor, what slides from his pocket won't be noticable in the cover of night, a device that will mean nothing to anyone but the person who entrusted it to him. in death, he'll hope that it'll find its way back to its owner before it's too late.
so carry on, barnham. leave his body to be found so unceremoniously; let the blood pool there. but he's not allowed to give up. he must walk tall and see this through to the end, and if he's to save everyone by using death as a form of salvation—he cannot break, because even in death...
that's what noctis wants for him.]