kicks down the door weeks later!! also before i start this i gotta reiterate how much i hate you because i'm suffering just thinking of what i have to write?? save me
She adores Jason so much, it's the worst and I can't believe this happened to me. She started out thinking he was decent and probably trustworthy! She's definitely not the type to trust easily, but from the beginning, he seemed like he genuinely cared about the people here and keeping them safe. Of course, this also means she was Concerned for him from the get go, even if it took a while for her to actually express any of that worry. She was cynical enough to believe a lot of people were going to die, which she could see weighing really heavily on someone like him. This was pretty much solidified with him telling her in their first private conversation that if Bruce were here, he would have gotten all of them out safely already. So, the foundation they started on was basically her wondering if he had a huge inferiority complex and being worried that he was going to break down eventually because he couldn't save everyone who was going to die.
Then the mines happened! And in this case, it actually matters more what he didn't do, rather than what he did do. Out of everyone who came to visit her in the clinic or who she spoke to afterwards, he was one of the only people who didn't push or even ask her for an explanation of what happened down there. He did hear eventually because he was at the meeting where she talked about it, but the fact that he didn't ask was pretty important. She was basically Done with talking about everything that had happened, so the fact that he didn't pressure her for any details was definitely something she appreciated! It was one more point in his favor, one more reason to trust him and feel more at ease around him. It's why she felt comfortable enough to check on him after the trial that week, even if Feelings Are Hard. She was starting to get the feeling that trusting him wouldn't blow up in her face.
It's also part of the reason she went to him about her role first, though it's not the only reason. As the weeks went by, in addition to starting to trust him more, she got to see the way he interacted with not just her, but with Percy as well while they were trying to figure out how this place worked. While she fully recognized that he could be a Shitty Teen, she was pretty impressed by how intelligent he seemed nonetheless! Of course, the fact that he was also a Shitty Teen helped her feel more comfortable with him, because he wasn't so mature or smart or composed that she put him on a pedestal. The other reason he was the first person she told about her role was that otherwise, it would have been Percy or Xion, and she was basically terrified of them finding out that she could have revived Annabeth or Riku and chose not to. His reaction to her role made her pretty confident that he was the right person to tell, too; the fact that he made sure to tell her that she should play by her own rules since it was her role instead of pressuring her to protect Damian immediately was a pretty huge relief to her.
However, the fact that she thought he was pretty intelligent and competent meant she was extra frustrated when she found out he broke into one of the buildings with Shinnosuke. The reason she didn't, like, immediately seek him out after finding out what happened is because she didn't trust herself/was afraid she would tear him a new one so thoroughly that they wouldn't be able to move past it (and also because I was swamped OOCly and I suck), oops. Part of the frustration, of course, stemmed from concern, but her typical way of dealing with worry for people she cares about is to get really mad, as one does. It also, however, made her realize how hard it would hit her if he got killed or seriously injured again, which was a pretty terrifying realization to have to deal with - but it's one that would come into play again pretty soon, because. Glances at the lake and whispers here we go.
If were anyone else but Jason or maybe Xion or Percy who found her at the lake right after Seizaburo got deered, her reaction would have been much, much different. By that point, though, she was comfortable enough with him (and scared enough of losing him) that he didn't get the furious meltdown anyone else would have been treated to, he just got....... the sad one, oops. Even if she trusted him a pretty substantial amount, she had been kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop basically the entire game, because she is bitter and cynical and pessimistic. When he first came to the dock to find her, a large part of her diving into the water was from not wanting to talk about what happened, but a smaller part was because she was secretly terrified that he was coming to find her to yell at her for fucking up so intensely.
The fact that he was instead so understanding about what had happened to Sei, and more frustrated by her self loathing was extremely baffling to her. She kind of views affection as something that has to be earned through hard work, through not making mistakes, through being perfect enough to deserve it. I touched on it in bracket text, but the fact that he just willingly accepted her and stayed with her despite what she viewed as such a horrible mistake that cost someone their life was almost more than she knew how to handle. It was contrary to basically everything she's believed about how people work, how the world itself works - she's used to people leaving her behind for much smaller faults of hers. The fact that he didn't, at a time when she was already so desperate and emotionally vulnerable, made him shoot waaaaay up in terms of people she was willing to trust and depend on. Also, it also improved the sense of fondness and affection she held for him in general - the easiest way for her to come to care about someone is them showing her that they won't leave her behind, and he basically did that without a shadow of a doubt. At the time, it was a little hard to swallow, but it's basically exactly what she needed at that point.
Which is also why it was super frustrating to see him so down on himself after Yuna died. It would be pretty hypocritical of her to be angry at him for it given what happened just days ago, so the frustration wasn't necessarily aimed at him. Still, it hurt to see him so distraught over what happened, to see him blame himself and apologize to her for what happened to Yuna. She pretty firmly believes that it wasn't something he should be apologizing for, because she's certain that it wasn't his fault at all, but she also recognizes that making him see that himself might be a little more difficult. She still isn't sure if there's anything more useful or helpful she could have said in those moments that could have made him see how he didn't have anything to be guilty about, but she at least hopes that being around him and not letting him stay alone afterwards brought some measure of comfort.
AND THEN..... week six. laughs into hands.
To start with, he was probably both her biggest push to and her biggest pull against choosing Hannibal! On the one hand, his talk about how he was so willing to get himself hurt or worse for the greater good in the Bounty meeting had her nearly beside herself, because she didn't know what she would do without him at that point. It made her a little bit terrified that he was going to try to take Hannibal on his own, because he viewed himself as more disposable than the rest of them. That fear definitely played into her decision after she was chosen as a Bandit, but almost as strong was her desire to not leave him, to not hurt him. She has a tendency to undervalue herself or underplay her own importance, so she probably wasn't as concerned about the effect her death would have on him, but that doesn't mean she wasn't concerned about it all. Much more than that, though, and perhaps a bit more selfishly - she really, really did not want to leave him. There were a lot of things that tore her up about the decision she made, but being without him was definitely a large part of it. By that point, she honestly adored him, and the thought of leaving him was heartbreaking. This is where the kiss came from: half from her own fear of losing him forever, and half from some (probably misguided, given the timing) urge to show him, before she died, how much he meant to her and how much he would still mean to her even if they never saw each other again. Actions speaks louder than words, or something!!
She wasn't optimistic enough to believe without reservation that they were going to see each other again, but if that was the case, she was absolutely going to give him the best chance to make it to the end that she could orchestrate (#killhannibal2k17). Her last way of protecting him, other than whole murdering a polite vore man thing, was in telling Will that she absolutely didn't want him to be the executioner. She definitely thinks Jason is Pure and Good, but that's why she didn't want him to have to perform that role; he shouldn't have had to dirty his hands like she did. She felt horrified enough in the day that followed murdering Hannibal to know that above all else, she didn't want that feeling for Jason. It isn't necessarily that she thought he wasn't strong enough to move past it, but she definitely thought that he didn't deserve to have the feelings that come with killing someone on his conscience.
Which, of course, made her completely lose it when she got to the train and found out all of them were going to have to die no matter what! Oops. More than nearly anyone else here, she didn't think Jason deserved to have something like that happen to him. It did soften the blow that this version of death came with less finality than it normally would, as did the fact that it was a relatively peaceful way to go, but even so. Jason was supportive and encouraging and gentle and kind and a whole lot of other things, but none of the descriptors she could use for him would include someone who deserved to die once, let alone twice. Their conversation on the train (not the reunion, though I'm getting to that in a second) cemented this for her in a way; while she listened to him talk about how he was scared about becoming a horrible person. The person he was describing was such a stark contrast to the person she knows that it was difficult for her to really get her head around it, so while it's the opposite of what he was explaining to her, she ended that conversation even more sure that Jason is A Good.
I'm going out of order because their train private conversation was connected directly to that last part BUT!! Reunion in death, yikes. Even if he had stayed with her through some (in her opinion) awful things that she'd done, she spent the week before he showed up terrified that he was finally going to hate her when he inevitably arrived on the train. Not only had she killed someone on purpose this time, but she lied to his face and promised him it was going to be fine when she knew full well that it wasn't going to be an iota of fine. Based on what Sara told her about his reactions at the trial, she'd kind of realized by then that she might have been underestimating how important she was to him, so she was pretty much ready for him to finally reject her! Only, you know, that didn't happen, because contrary to her beliefs not everyone is looking to ditch her at any provocation. Which is still a really weird thing to her, but she can't deny that she was relieved to see him again, to hear his voice again, and to know that even if he was understandably pissed, he didn't hate her.
Possibly selfishly, she's really, really happy he decided to come with the three of them to New York. She absolutely wanted what would have made him happiest, no matter what, but she's extremely relieved they won't have to be separated in the foreseeable future. Gross.
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She adores Jason so much, it's the worst and I can't believe this happened to me. She started out thinking he was decent and probably trustworthy! She's definitely not the type to trust easily, but from the beginning, he seemed like he genuinely cared about the people here and keeping them safe. Of course, this also means she was Concerned for him from the get go, even if it took a while for her to actually express any of that worry. She was cynical enough to believe a lot of people were going to die, which she could see weighing really heavily on someone like him. This was pretty much solidified with him telling her in their first private conversation that if Bruce were here, he would have gotten all of them out safely already. So, the foundation they started on was basically her wondering if he had a huge inferiority complex and being worried that he was going to break down eventually because he couldn't save everyone who was going to die.
Then the mines happened! And in this case, it actually matters more what he didn't do, rather than what he did do. Out of everyone who came to visit her in the clinic or who she spoke to afterwards, he was one of the only people who didn't push or even ask her for an explanation of what happened down there. He did hear eventually because he was at the meeting where she talked about it, but the fact that he didn't ask was pretty important. She was basically Done with talking about everything that had happened, so the fact that he didn't pressure her for any details was definitely something she appreciated! It was one more point in his favor, one more reason to trust him and feel more at ease around him. It's why she felt comfortable enough to check on him after the trial that week, even if Feelings Are Hard. She was starting to get the feeling that trusting him wouldn't blow up in her face.
It's also part of the reason she went to him about her role first, though it's not the only reason. As the weeks went by, in addition to starting to trust him more, she got to see the way he interacted with not just her, but with Percy as well while they were trying to figure out how this place worked. While she fully recognized that he could be a Shitty Teen, she was pretty impressed by how intelligent he seemed nonetheless! Of course, the fact that he was also a Shitty Teen helped her feel more comfortable with him, because he wasn't so mature or smart or composed that she put him on a pedestal. The other reason he was the first person she told about her role was that otherwise, it would have been Percy or Xion, and she was basically terrified of them finding out that she could have revived Annabeth or Riku and chose not to. His reaction to her role made her pretty confident that he was the right person to tell, too; the fact that he made sure to tell her that she should play by her own rules since it was her role instead of pressuring her to protect Damian immediately was a pretty huge relief to her.
However, the fact that she thought he was pretty intelligent and competent meant she was extra frustrated when she found out he broke into one of the buildings with Shinnosuke. The reason she didn't, like, immediately seek him out after finding out what happened is because she didn't trust herself/was afraid she would tear him a new one so thoroughly that they wouldn't be able to move past it (and also because I was swamped OOCly and I suck), oops. Part of the frustration, of course, stemmed from concern, but her typical way of dealing with worry for people she cares about is to get really mad, as one does. It also, however, made her realize how hard it would hit her if he got killed or seriously injured again, which was a pretty terrifying realization to have to deal with - but it's one that would come into play again pretty soon, because. Glances at the lake and whispers here we go.
If were anyone else but Jason or maybe Xion or Percy who found her at the lake right after Seizaburo got deered, her reaction would have been much, much different. By that point, though, she was comfortable enough with him (and scared enough of losing him) that he didn't get the furious meltdown anyone else would have been treated to, he just got....... the sad one, oops. Even if she trusted him a pretty substantial amount, she had been kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop basically the entire game, because she is bitter and cynical and pessimistic. When he first came to the dock to find her, a large part of her diving into the water was from not wanting to talk about what happened, but a smaller part was because she was secretly terrified that he was coming to find her to yell at her for fucking up so intensely.
The fact that he was instead so understanding about what had happened to Sei, and more frustrated by her self loathing was extremely baffling to her. She kind of views affection as something that has to be earned through hard work, through not making mistakes, through being perfect enough to deserve it. I touched on it in bracket text, but the fact that he just willingly accepted her and stayed with her despite what she viewed as such a horrible mistake that cost someone their life was almost more than she knew how to handle. It was contrary to basically everything she's believed about how people work, how the world itself works - she's used to people leaving her behind for much smaller faults of hers. The fact that he didn't, at a time when she was already so desperate and emotionally vulnerable, made him shoot waaaaay up in terms of people she was willing to trust and depend on. Also, it also improved the sense of fondness and affection she held for him in general - the easiest way for her to come to care about someone is them showing her that they won't leave her behind, and he basically did that without a shadow of a doubt. At the time, it was a little hard to swallow, but it's basically exactly what she needed at that point.
Which is also why it was super frustrating to see him so down on himself after Yuna died. It would be pretty hypocritical of her to be angry at him for it given what happened just days ago, so the frustration wasn't necessarily aimed at him. Still, it hurt to see him so distraught over what happened, to see him blame himself and apologize to her for what happened to Yuna. She pretty firmly believes that it wasn't something he should be apologizing for, because she's certain that it wasn't his fault at all, but she also recognizes that making him see that himself might be a little more difficult. She still isn't sure if there's anything more useful or helpful she could have said in those moments that could have made him see how he didn't have anything to be guilty about, but she at least hopes that being around him and not letting him stay alone afterwards brought some measure of comfort.
AND THEN..... week six. laughs into hands.
To start with, he was probably both her biggest push to and her biggest pull against choosing Hannibal! On the one hand, his talk about how he was so willing to get himself hurt or worse for the greater good in the Bounty meeting had her nearly beside herself, because she didn't know what she would do without him at that point. It made her a little bit terrified that he was going to try to take Hannibal on his own, because he viewed himself as more disposable than the rest of them. That fear definitely played into her decision after she was chosen as a Bandit, but almost as strong was her desire to not leave him, to not hurt him. She has a tendency to undervalue herself or underplay her own importance, so she probably wasn't as concerned about the effect her death would have on him, but that doesn't mean she wasn't concerned about it all. Much more than that, though, and perhaps a bit more selfishly - she really, really did not want to leave him. There were a lot of things that tore her up about the decision she made, but being without him was definitely a large part of it. By that point, she honestly adored him, and the thought of leaving him was heartbreaking. This is where the kiss came from: half from her own fear of losing him forever, and half from some (probably misguided, given the timing) urge to show him, before she died, how much he meant to her and how much he would still mean to her even if they never saw each other again. Actions speaks louder than words, or something!!
She wasn't optimistic enough to believe without reservation that they were going to see each other again, but if that was the case, she was absolutely going to give him the best chance to make it to the end that she could orchestrate (#killhannibal2k17). Her last way of protecting him, other than whole murdering a polite vore man thing, was in telling Will that she absolutely didn't want him to be the executioner. She definitely thinks Jason is Pure and Good, but that's why she didn't want him to have to perform that role; he shouldn't have had to dirty his hands like she did. She felt horrified enough in the day that followed murdering Hannibal to know that above all else, she didn't want that feeling for Jason. It isn't necessarily that she thought he wasn't strong enough to move past it, but she definitely thought that he didn't deserve to have the feelings that come with killing someone on his conscience.
Which, of course, made her completely lose it when she got to the train and found out all of them were going to have to die no matter what! Oops. More than nearly anyone else here, she didn't think Jason deserved to have something like that happen to him. It did soften the blow that this version of death came with less finality than it normally would, as did the fact that it was a relatively peaceful way to go, but even so. Jason was supportive and encouraging and gentle and kind and a whole lot of other things, but none of the descriptors she could use for him would include someone who deserved to die once, let alone twice. Their conversation on the train (not the reunion, though I'm getting to that in a second) cemented this for her in a way; while she listened to him talk about how he was scared about becoming a horrible person. The person he was describing was such a stark contrast to the person she knows that it was difficult for her to really get her head around it, so while it's the opposite of what he was explaining to her, she ended that conversation even more sure that Jason is A Good.
I'm going out of order because their train private conversation was connected directly to that last part BUT!! Reunion in death, yikes. Even if he had stayed with her through some (in her opinion) awful things that she'd done, she spent the week before he showed up terrified that he was finally going to hate her when he inevitably arrived on the train. Not only had she killed someone on purpose this time, but she lied to his face and promised him it was going to be fine when she knew full well that it wasn't going to be an iota of fine. Based on what Sara told her about his reactions at the trial, she'd kind of realized by then that she might have been underestimating how important she was to him, so she was pretty much ready for him to finally reject her! Only, you know, that didn't happen, because contrary to her beliefs not everyone is looking to ditch her at any provocation. Which is still a really weird thing to her, but she can't deny that she was relieved to see him again, to hear his voice again, and to know that even if he was understandably pissed, he didn't hate her.
Possibly selfishly, she's really, really happy he decided to come with the three of them to New York. She absolutely wanted what would have made him happiest, no matter what, but she's extremely relieved they won't have to be separated in the foreseeable future. Gross.